A Funeral, National Exams, and A Forgotten Great-granddaughter

“You are beautiful, no matter what they say

Words can’t bring you down”

That was exactly the lyrics I was singing when my mom came out and told me the news. Frankly, suprised will be an overstatement. I just said, oh. Period.

It’s not that I don’t care. It’s just that there’s no emotion, the kind people feel when a family member of theirs die. I just didn’t feel that close to grief. Even if I want to, I still couldn’t. Maybe it’s because I know it’s already the time. But a big part of me says that it’s because of the feeling of mine being the forgotten.

My great-grandmother, passing away at the age 103 about an hour ago, has forgotten her great-grandchildren. When someone said she would still live longer due to her waiting, my dad made a joke that it’s my uncle’s wedding she was waiting for. He’s her last (single) grandchild, afterall. But why not my sister, who’s going to marry in May? I guess that’s because everyone knows she forgot her great-grandchildren.

I kinda feel guilty for not being grievous, but I also think that it’s not my fault. Even when I visited my great-grandma, she acted like I was a stranger. The only moment that I knew she recognized me was when my dad said, “Look, this is your great-granddaughter, my youngest daughter.” I realized that she’s aged, old. But still, my aunt visited her every three days, and every three days she asked, “Who are you?” She only recognized people bonded with her by blood. I guess.

(My family will be enraged if they read this. That’s why I don’t post this in my other blog. But what can I do? I just can’t help it. It’s not like I intend to.)

Now my mom is busy arranging tickets for a flight back. All of my cousins are going, and my sister probably too. I’ll be left at home all alone for the coming national exams. Once again, I’ll be left behind. Tomorrow is my birthday and afterwards I’ll be lonely. How tragic.

I remember three years ago, four days before my birthday (too), I went home after a course and my dad said, “Grandpa’s gone.” For a moment I stared at him, thinking, are you kidding? But realizing his red eyes and knowing him for my whole life, that’s one impossibility I thought about. Yeah, people died sometime near my birthday. A very unique fact.

So, back to  the flight. I overheard my cousin talking on the phone with my mom, talking about the undecided funeral in usual tones. She said she preferred going one day before the funeral because, well, because she has busy schedule regarding her job. I can’t blame  her. I mean, she’s a fellow great-granddaughter, isn’t she? I know she used to live near my great-grandma, but still, not one of us was remembered. A thought of texting my other sister, asking if she’ll order a flight too, crossed my mind, but I know that everyone’s going. Every member of the family will be there, except me. Even the great-grandchildren will be there. Except me.

Now that I think about it, with her having passed away, kicked the bucket, probably her spirit is somewhere in the sky watching us, her family. Maybe now she remembers that she has great-grandchildren. Maybe.

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