Archive for July, 2011

A Midnight Heart Spills
July 21, 2011

I’ve been listening to several same songs for the past few days, all because of you. And today you asked me what was wrong, I didn’t have the courage to say.

You don’t know that you’ve haunted my mind since July 1st, don’t you? Because I covered everything inside.

Did I read any signals wrong? Because I’m completely thrown about in hesitation and doubts, thinking about you and the chances of your feeling for me. And I’ve been questioning myself too – is it a pure, genuine feeling, or is it my insecurity? Am I just having another grim mood, or am I going crazy?

All because of you – because of what I thought and asked about you.

Do I ever crossed your mind, for once, in a longing feeling? And I mean this apart from when you read anything in your facebook home about me. That’s also why I stopped putting in status and logged out after five seconds – I hate that I have the idea that it was always me who started a chat first, and that I have convinced myself you’re fed up of them by now.

I hate to think that I always miss you in my mind, while you have your own life. I know you have your own friends, your own life – your own pretend lover. Yes I knew about them, and I knew I’d hurt from jealousy to read anything about you and them. And yet, I still chose to. I chose to break what was left of the pieces of my heart, harder than before until they turned into plain dust, and I still looked for them and tried to break the dust. I’m surprised that I haven’t exploded from all these messy thoughts. I think I’m really going insane before August 20th.

And I still have no idea about how you might feel toward me.

It’s nearly two a.m. and I’m all alone, and I need you now.

It’s just that I don’t have the courage, not after you rejected to go out with me. Via facebook.

And I’m still missing you too much.

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A Blue Fish
July 9, 2011

I want to draw a fish.

Specifically, a blue fish that is swimming. I don’t know what species it is – I am not an expert in fish. I want it long, slim, slender – with glimmering blue over its skin, with wavy, graceful long tail that curves in the clear water.

I want to draw it on a piece of paper. After that, I’ll transfer it to my skin – on my hand, from my wrist and flows to below the first joint in the middle of the thumb. It will be permanent.

But the fish will not realise just yet. With the doubt that’s growing in me, the pain and reluctance that’s creeping back, the fish has no foundation to born on. The medium is not ready. The fish has to wait, here with me.