Being Indecisive – Deadlines
April 1, 2013

(This is a follow-up of the previous post on a different subject)

Instead of typing this post out, I could take care of other more-important matters. For example, I could work on my work permit application. I could also work on an Italian assignment, or scour Kijiji for a room-for-rent. Read Soucouyant or complete the requirements for my visa to visit Italy. Instead, I’m typing this post out.

I hate myself with a ferocious guilt, and I’m drowned in guilt, because I know that everything stems from my indecisiveness. I hate that I don’t have the right motivation to spark me into fulfilling my responsibilities, and I hate that I know that I hate myself for that, and I haven’t done anything, and I hate that I know that I know that I hate myself, and I hate that I know that I know that I know that I hate myself.

The truth is that right now I don’t know if these are the things I want. But I can’t really avoid them, can I? These matters have deadlines, and I’m afraid that if I fail to do them, I’d have regrets in the future. And I’m afraid of regrets, really afraid.



Being Indecisive
April 1, 2013

I admit, I could be very indecisive occasionally. I’m even indecisive over whether I’m feeling lonely right now. If I watch a romantic scene in a movie or see photographs of my friends with their special ones on Facebook, there’s a silent longing that grows unnoticed within me. Shallow? I think so too. But whenever I feel that longing, I wonder if there is a special person I’m fond of now, and I realize that I probably want only a person, any person, to be with me. Foolishly, I imagine those romantic scenes – mixed with my own unrealistic imagination – and wonder if that is exactly what I want. If that would make me happy and fulfilled. But life doesn’t follow the rules of romantic movies, and relationships aren’t for Facebook boasts. I would remind myself – reminded suddenly – of that. Then I would question whether I actually want someone.

Indecisive? Yes, I know. I also wonder if there would come a time when I want a person, a specific person, and not just anyone who will do. I wonder if there would come a time when I stop being indecisive and actually decide if I want a relationship.